Inspired by the legendary Goblin Punch article.
Have you noticed I take inspiration from that blog a lot? Because I take inspiration from that blog a lot.
It's a fucking good blog, what the fuck are you doing reading this nonsense instead of Goblin Punch?
What the fuck even is a Druid?
No, seriously. Everyone has a picture in their head of what druids are like, but no one ever discusses what a druid is. They're "people possessed by the spirits of nature"? That makes sense, but like... How does one become possessed by the spirits of nature? What exactly does that entail? From the perspective of what we call nature, there is no such thing as "nature". A tree does not view itself as part of a forest. A forest does not view itself as part of an ecosystem. The Arctic does not think it is a desert, and would probably be offended by the implication.
It's the paradox of druids. The idea of "nature" is artificial. Druids would be people possessed by the fundamentally unnatural spirits of nature, and that just doesn't make any fucking sense.
In the 2nd A&D Player's Handbook, the Druid is listed as a subtype of Cleric. This is how druids are most conventionally played.
But at the same time, priests of nature gods also exist alongside druids? How does that work? What's the difference between a druid and a nature-priest? And why is it specifically priests of nature that get special treatments, and not any of the other domains?
I have chosen to resolve this problem by throwing everything about what druids are out the window, and coming up with something new.
This is what the fuck a Druid even is
Druids are worshipers of concepts. They do not worship a god with the nature domain, nor do they worship an embodiment of nature. Druids cut out the middle man, and directly worship the abstract idea of nature.
If we're on the same wavelength, you may have noticed that this definition works for any concept, not just nature. That's because not every druid worships nature. Most do, because nature is an incredibly prevalent part of our lives, but the definition of "druid" applies to any concept-worshiper.
Now that we understand what a druid even is, we can move on to actually talking about them.
Druids are like anarchists - No one can agree what the fuck they're doing
Every single druid has a different idea of what "nature" is. Many of these definitions have similarities, and druids with similar definitions very often join together to form circles, but no two understandings are quite the same - And that's only addressing the druids who worship "nature". Many druids worship more specific things that might still fall under the category of nature, like "tundra", "fire", or "panthers", but there are also the druids that worship unnatural ideas, like "swords", "chiseled rock", or the even general idea of "civilization".
The numbers of unnatural druids tend to stay on the low end, both because most other druids hate them with a passion, and because becoming a druid needs a certain irrational passion, one that's rarely found in the comparatively sterile world of "civilized peoples". It's very difficult to be so inspired by the idea of math that you gain magical powers, but it isn't impossible.
Even putting the unnatural druids aside, huge variances still exist. A druid of the desert will struggle to find common ground with a druid of the forest, and even more so with a druid of the river. This only gets worse the more niche you go - Druids of dormice would probably have a more productive conversation with a brick wall than they would with druids of the west wind.
A Few Weird Subtypes of Natural Druids
Wild Druids, also known as primal druids, are the ones described in the article that inspired this whole thing. They are deeply passionate, deeply violent, and by the standards of society, deeply mad.
Blood Druids are sometimes mistaken for them, but they're not the same. Blood druids have no such ideas about "Destroying Symbolic Thought", or any common ideas at all. Blood Druid is a general term for druids primarily concerned with violence. Not druids who concern themselves with the natural cycle as a whole, but specifically the part where they get to kill a lot of people. These include druids who worship blood as a concept, druids of predation, druids of invasive species, druids of the shrike, and those idiots who think that nature means "No Rules, Kill Everyone".
Possibly the most unique of the natural druids are druids of the city. Not the unnatural construction of the city, but the ecosystems and that exist within them. They've gained a reputation as some of the cleverest people in the world, and it's for a good reason. Managing to survive within an inhospitable environment, whether the attacks of their unfriendly brothers, and endure the constant threat of further development outright destroying what little nature you can find requires a quick hand and a quicker wit.
("You should stat them out as a class or subclass", someone probably says. Maybe I will eventually, but I'm much better at throwing out ideas than I am balancing things, sorry.)
Druids kill other druids a lot
Arguments over definition can, predictably, lead to vicious druidic infighting. Out of all the holy wars on the face of the world, the druidic ones might be the worst. Have you ever seen the kind old hermit who lives in the woods have his brains bashed out by a half-naked stranger who speaks only in screams? What about that nice woman who cares for the pigeons being burnt alive by the fire that red-haired wanderer is shooting out of his hands? Ever watched wacky uncle order a flock of goshawks to rip out a man's liver?
Druids can always recognize other druids, and since no self-respecting druid would ever think to form a proper army, battles start the second one lock eyes on another, and ends when one of them is dead. It's always safer to stay away from anyone you think might be a druid, lest you get caught up in the crossfire.
Not every druid is at war with every other druid at all times, of course. Circles form truces, ally to deal with larger threats, and sometimes it's safer just to pretend you didn't notice your enemy was nearby.
It's a lot like the world of espionage, but with more murder, and also trees.
Wrapping things up
I've listed a lot of types of druids here, some of which are very niche. These aren't examples of druids that actually exist, they're examples of druids who might exist. Everything I've said here is possible, but none of it is certain.
I may have accidentally given the impression that druids are commonplace in this article. They aren't. It takes a very rare kind of person to be a druid. Druids don't have detailed notes like wizards, natural power like sorcerers, or even doctrines to follow the same way clerics do. The best they've got is a mentor who'll probably end up spending more time forcing them to figure out their own solutions than actually helping. There are no certification exams that declare you a druid, no easy way to measure power. You don't choose to be a druid, you are called to become one. Some sudden spark of insight that forces you to rethink your life, giving in to that nagging doubt that's always been needling at the back of your head, being confronted head-on with the true horror of environmental destruction - These are the kind of things that put people on the path to druidry.
There is only one thing that you can say without doubt about all druids, and it is that each and every druid is utterly and completely unique.
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