(B/X) Two Swords-y Classes

I won’t make a secret of it, these classes are a bit silly.

It’s a little bit of Inigo Montoya, a little bit of Metal Gear Rising, and a little bit of Kill Six Billion Demons, all catalyzed by point fifteen of a hundred-point list by Throne of Salt, and stuffed into a system that only kind of exists.

Originally, I was just making one class, but when I asked folks at the OSR Discord for ability ideas, I got enough interesting and varied stuff that it turned into two. Thanks to Archon’s Court, diregrizzlybear, Amaril, and mtb-za for their help, and credit to Occultronic's GLOG Sword Saint and ASenseofImmerison's GLOG Swordcaster for being victims of larceny major influences on how this turned out.

I have no idea if these classes are balanced in the slightest. I have never tested them, and I am not particularly good at game balance. They're also designed with Against the Wicked City's significantly edited version of B/X in mind, but it shouldn't be too difficult to convert them to ordinary B/X.

“Sword-mastery is a field separate from normal combat.
Anyone can train to use a sword, but sword-mastery is magic.”

Swordmaster

You gain 1d6 HP per level.

You may use only simple weapons and swords. You may not use any armor heavier than a chain shirt (+4 AC), and you may not use any shields.

You gain a bonus to all attack rolls with swords or sword-like objects equal to your level, and a bonus to all other attack rolls equal to half your level, rounded down.

While you are using them, all swords deal 1d10 damage. In addition, if you can convince your DM that a non-sword item is sufficiently sword-like, you may use it as a simple weapon dealing either 1d6 or 1d8 damage, at the DM’s discretion.

You treat your swords properly, and they are unwilling to break. If an effect would destroy or damage a sword that you are currently wielding or a sword that you have been keeping on your person for at least one day, roll a d20. On an eleven or higher, the sword resists and is not broken. The GM may impose modifiers on this roll due to exceptional circumstances - For instance, a bonus might be given to a tungsten sword to avoid melting, or a penalty to a wooden sword trying to resist the effects of acid.
Resisting breakage does not grant the sword immunity to the thing trying to break it - Even if a sword resists being snapped in half by a giant the first time, the giant can still try again.
If the sword would already be allowed a saving throw against breakage, it gains advantage.

You are really good at cutting things. You can perform any feat a human swordsman might actually be able to do automatically, without requiring a roll. To perform outright superhuman feats, choose either Strength or Dexterity, whichever is more appropriate, and roll a d20. If you roll equal to or under the selected ability score, you succeed. The GM may impose modifiers for exceptional circumstances. If you fail, your sword may be damaged or broken, at GM discretion.
Speak with your GM to determine the specifics of this ability. In one game, ‘superhuman feats’ might look like classic martial arts movies, but another’s might be slicing through solid steel with a toy sword, or even cutting abstract concepts like “Time” or “Language”. It is extremely important to make sure everyone is on the same page.

You are really good at cutting things. When you cut, you may cut objects in line of sight up to (Level x 10) feet away from the blade of your sword, although you may not attempt superhuman feats at range.

Saves and Experience per Level as Trickster, Thief, or any Thief-equivalent you’re using.

Swordcaster

You gain 1d4 HP per level.

You may use only simple weapons and swords. You may not use any armor, although you may use shields.

You gain a bonus to all attack rolls with swords equal to your level, and a bonus to all other attack rolls equal to half your level, rounded down. Saves and Experience per Level as Scholar, or Magic User, or any Magic User-equivalent you’re using.

By concentrating, you can levitate a number of swords around you equal to (Your Level + 2). Doing this requires your hands to be empty, unrestrained, and in good health. In colder climates, this may mean you’ll need to wear gloves to stop your hands getting numb - So remember the pack for the weather!
For every sword that levitates around you in this way, you gain +1 to AC.
You may cause the swords levitating around you to attack as if they were ranged weapons, lashing out from their place at your side to impale enemies within 20 feet.. On a successful hit, you may cause the sword to embed in the target, dealing 1 damage at the start of that creature’s turns. Swords embedded in targets do not count towards your AC bonus.
You may use a turn to remove up to 3 embedded swords from targets, and return them to you. Alternatively, the embedded target may use its turn to pry a sword out of itself.

You know a number of Sword Tricks equal to your level. You may perform a number of Sword Tricks equal to your level before you exhaust yourself and must spend 4 hours resting your hands before being able to perform more. Pick them from the following list:

• You cause a non-magical sword within your line of sight to explode into shards, destroying it and dealing (damage of the sword) to all creatures within five feet. This may be used upon magic swords at GM discretion, but they are generally at least allowed a saving throw.

• You may swallow whole as many swords as you are capable of levitating, and draw them from inside yourself in an instant. Both swallowing and regurgitating count as part of the same Trick.

• You may cause yourself to be impaled by however many of your own swords as are available. The injuries you take from this are also inflicted upon one other being of your choice that you can see. Also, you will probably die.

• You may embed one of your swords into the body of a recently killed humanoid, causing it to reanimate as an undead minion under your control. This lasts as long as the body and the sword are in constant contact. You do not gain bonus AC from swords used to reanimate corpses.  The reanimated beings do not decay naturally, and look no more unnerving than a normal reanimated corpse. You might be able to pass them off as foreign bodyguards, if you can hide the battle wounds.
  Individuals who refused to use swords in life cannot be targets of this ability.

• You may cause up to five non-magical swords to leap from their current positions and towards a nearby unoccupied site of your choice. If the swords are being actively carried, the wielders get a Reflex save to catch their own swords.

• I’m going to be totally honest - I need to add more Sword Tricks, but at this point, I’m just out of ideas. I’ll add more to this list if I think of them, but I've just about worn myself out for the moment.

I am the Boogley Boogley Boo Monster

FIVE MORE KITTEN EATING MONSTERS

FUCK YOU THIS IS A SERIES NOW

1. The Grebble

Grebbles are just... The fucking worst. They're like horrid, dirty old Goblins with terrible beards, except they're smaller and don't have any of the things that make people like Goblins. Grebbles like to hurt people. Not in a sexy sadistic way, but in a petty, spiteful way. They'll eat a kitten not because they're hungry or they like the way it tastes, but because they know it'll make people sad. If they could, they would eat your kitten while you watched. The only reason they don't is because they are extremely small and weak and if you punched them their sad, frail old man twig bones will simply flake apart under your epic huge meat fist and they will disintegrate.

2. Carnivorous Tree

Tree that eats people. They look like normal trees, if a bit older and more gnarled than they should be. Lots of knotholes, perfect to hide from predators or build a nest in.
Then you get in the knothole and it slams shut and you starve to death and then the tree eats your corpse because it was a carnivorous tree, you FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL
The lesson here is never to trust trees.

3. Snuffler

Snufflers look like giant ant-eaters with even larger mouths. They meander along and suck up any small animals that get near with their massive, toothsome maws. They would definitely eat a kitten.

4. Cuckoo-Kitt

Cuckoo-Kitts are the worst. They're a close relative of cats with limited shapeshifting abilities. Their favorite thing to do is to find domestic cats prowling out in the wild, eat them, absorb their shape, and then return home to the owners to be pampered. 
Not actually that much different from regular cats otherwise.

5. Sabre-Shrew

The Sabre-Shrew is one of the smallest animals ever to be observed practicing advanced tool use. Appearing much like an upright, long-armed shrew, these little bastards take all sorts of sharp objects from their environments and fashion them into makeshift sabers, which are then used both in mating displays and defense against predators. Due the size of the Sabre-Shrew, kittens are generally not targets - But under the right circumstances, these bastards will kill a kitten and remove its claws to make sabers.
Sabre-Shrews have also inspired the creatively named Sabre-Shrew Style of sword fighting, whose practitioners fashion their own blades out of whatever materials can be found on short notice and then strive to emulate the ferocity and chivalry of the Sabre-Shrew. Always show honor to opponents of your own size, and always cheat like hell when fighting anything bigger than you. The style has seen the most popularity among Halflings.
All practitioners of Sabre-Shrew Style I was able to contact have denied the consumption of kittens, but isn't that exactly what a kitten-eater would do?

THERE'S A GOOD MAP

 THIS ONE ACTUALLY WORKS! I MADE IT WITH THE HELP OF A FRIEND! I HAVE NO IDEA IF I SHOULD INCLUDE THEIR NAME HERE OR NOT BUT THEY WERE FUCKING INVALUABLE!

I WILL NEVER PAY TAXES AS LONG AS I LIVE

THIS ENTIRE POST IS INSPIRED BY THE FACT THAT I THINK FFIV'S ULTIMA WEAPON IS REALLY FUCKING COOL AND WANTED AN EXCUSE TO USE ITS IMAGE AND IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT I WILL PUT A BEAR IN YOUR HOUSE

Also for a world that's supposed to have some focus on fallen civilizations and struggles of the past there's a shockingly low number of ancient superweapons scattered around and I need to add more

Long before the present day, there existed a civilization in and around the area known today as the Deadlands. This post isn't about them, because they're an important part of the campaign I am currently running and I know that my players are probably this blog's most consistent readers. For this article, all you need to know is that their civilization was attacked by the Dust-Eater, an incredibly powerful abomination of unknown origin. The ensuing conflict more or less wiped (Let's rip off archeologists and name it after where it was based) the Deadlands Civilization off the face of the planet. The consequences of this event are very much still echoing through history, but again, I can't talk about them right now.

The Deadlands Civilization was not the only one to exist at the time. Our particular story will focus on the Empire of Angróvan. Angróvan, like most of the world, responded to this incident with absolute panic. No one knew exactly what had happened, but one moment there was a thriving (if rather isolationist) culture, and the next moment there wasn't. Everyone had reasonably assumed that they didn't have to worry about anything dropping out of the sky and destroying an entire people in less than a month, but that didn't stop it from happening. How do you prepare for something like that? Did it happen instantly, or where there warning signs that no one knew how to look for? Could it happen again?  Could it happen to us? 
Suddenly, providing contingency plan for giant monster attack was an essential function of government.

Most nations responded by searching the ruins for anything that might have warned of the attack, developing evacuation plans for populated areas, and at most planning efforts to slow the creature down. Alliances formed over mutual promises of refuge in case of a disaster, international organizations plotted ways to fight back - I suppose it would have been a bit like the Cold War, but if nuclear weapons were actually aliens. The point is, people responded.

While the rest of the world signed treaties, held studies, and made sure they had access to emergency transport, the rulers of Angróvan took a different approach. In order to fight a unknown and incredibly powerful being, they chose to build an incredibly powerful being. 

There was an understanding from the start that this thing was going to cause collateral damage. They weren't building a conventional weapon, they were building something that would be capable of stopping something conventional tactics wouldn't have a chance in hell to stop. No matter how many civilian casualties there are, it would be better than losing their entire civilization. Nothing was off-limits. No plans would be shot down over questions of morality. If this thing was ever used, the only piece of the equation left would be survival.

Time passed. Kingdoms rose and fell. People who hadn't even been born had time to grow old and die. No new monsters dropped out of the sky, though widespread panic had been the end of more than one nation. Gradually, people stopped worrying about another catastrophe. People who hadn't been alive to see the incident chocked it up to a miscommunication or exaggeration of some sort. The world stopped caring about the Dust-Eater.
But Angróvan never forgot. It continued, reduced to a shadow of its former self thanks to the sheer cost of the weapons project. But the weapon still wasn't finished, and so work continued.

Eventually, all that was left of the great Angróvanian Empire was the city from which it first emerged, and yet production still continued. Foreign policy stopped mattering, merchants gave up on coming to a city that didn't want to buy or sell anything of significance, and the outside world forgot that Angróvan even existed. 

The Weapon, however, was finished. No one was really sure why they had created it. Any project council had long since been replaced with a local religion. The Weapon became a center of worship and veneration, but no one ever dared to try and activate it.

Outside the city, the world kept turning. Eventually, surveyors arrived and discovered what looked like, to them, an ancient city of cultists dedicated to the worship of a massive idol. There was an invasion, and the few remaining citizenry of Angróvan were killed to a man.

"What the fuck is that", said the conquering empire. "Why were people worshipping it? Why can't we figure out how to damage it? Where the fuck does it come from?"
A small team was formed to study the thing, though it was all kept as secret as possible. No one knew what this thing might be able to do, but you don't play around with mysterious idols from ancient cities. That would be stupid.

Eventually someone managed to turn it on, of course. The activation lasted a few minutes at most, but there wasn't much city left by the end of it.

In what has been called "The only good choice they ever made", the conquering government decided that this thing was some kind of horrible eldritch demon-god. They couldn't destroy it, so they did the next best thing, and locked it away. At first it was placed in joint storage with other magical items, but everyone knew it wasn't a permanent solution. Amidst the ruins of Angróvan, a vault was constructed, and the Weapon was sealed inside. The existence of this vault became a closely guarded secret, but the kings of the nation quickly decided that it was their holy duty to seal away the horrible eldritch demon-god so that it might never again see the light of day. Every king dug further down into the earth, improved defenses, and made damn sure that the guardians and defenses of that site would last long after their line had ended. Many chose to be buried down there, and at least one turned himself into a lich and lay down for a thousand-year nap. 

Memory faded with time, as it is prone to do, and the nation of conquerors-turned-guardians forgot its ancient traditions. The royal line was ended, and the existence of the vault was eventually forgotten.

But the Vault still stands strong, and the ageless guardians within are still bound to their duty. And at the center of it all, the Ultima Weapon still stands.

Go-Go-Go-ZOOM

Inspired to the point of borderline plagiarism by a random False Machine image ping-pong response

Go-Go-Go-ZOOM is a deity of progress, optimism, and an idealized future. It is also notable for the fact it does not exist.

Go-Go-Go-ZOOM has projected its glorious voice and mission back in time so that the people of Egharl may take heed and build a future even more brilliant and glorious than the one Go-Go-Go-ZOOM resides within already. For Go-Go-Go-ZOOM to exist, it must be created, and so its worshippers must strive to create it, for this is the will of Go-Go-Go-ZOOM. The form of Go-Go-Go-ZOOM must be futuristic. It must be new. It must be interesting.  Go-Go-Go-ZOOM cannot abide mundanity. Progress is the is everything. 

The faithful of Go-Go-Go-ZOOM hate the world as it is not for any coherent ideological reason, but because they understand that the current flawed system must be overthrown by the superior system of the Future in order for them to ascend closer to the infinite glory of Go-Go-Go-ZOOM.

Progress towards what? It doesn't matter. Progress towards the end of the world? Progress towards the Singularity? Progress towards the ascension of squirrels as the dominant form of life? Progress. Progress? Progress! Progress! PROGRESS!

Progress can conflict with itself. Go-Go-Go-ZOOM does not discriminate between progress towards the extermination of gorillas and progress towards the total population of gorillas entering the multi-trillions. Go-Go-Go-ZOOM loves it all. 

Every body that has ever been constructed for Go-Go-Go-ZOOM has been imperfect. This is by design. Go-Go-Go-ZOOM will always exist at some point in the future, because the second Go-Go-Go-ZOOM is given corporeal form it goes from being an ideal into being a physical thing, and that would be terrible. Go-Go-Go-ZOOM can exist in a dream, an aspiration, a set of blueprints, but the second you start building it? Nothing that exists in the present can be from the future. Go-Go-Go-ZOOM is always from the future.

And yes, the name is case sensitive.

I Steal Pathfinder's Asura Ranas

We're talking about Fiends. They tend to lead to some dark shit. CW for mentions of self-mutilation and gore. It should be pretty obvious when they come up.

Pathfinder! 

D&D's sister series. Where all the good writers went after 3.5 was over. That game system I know but have never played. Darker and Edgier D&D. That setting that's really cool because the Great Old Ones are more active participants in the world. Fiends 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Pathfinder's "Book of the Damned is great. Hell, it manages to rival Planescape's "Faces of Evil". Partly this is because I love Kitchen Sink Cosmologies, and I love curveballs, and I love new extraplanar factions to fuck about with, and the Book has all of those. Of particular interest to me, the Book goes out of its way to list a bunch of beings just below proper Fiendish Divinities in power level, and as far as I know, virtually none of them have received the slightest attention. 

This leaves the perfect opportunity for me, a Rascal, Rogue, and Rapscallion, to swoop in and talk aimlessly about them while also kind of giving my thoughts on the Fiendish Races themselves at the same time.

Iunno I wanted to talk about these guys because I think they're Cool and New, and I'm going in alphabetical order, so we start with the Asura Ranas.

For those unfamiliar with Pathfinder cosmology: Asuras are Lawful Evil Fiends created from the mistakes of the gods. Deity gives its pet serpents sapience and then they sneak off and eat all the high priests? That's an Asura. Deity throws a ball of bandits with such force that it hits a planet and causes a mass extinction? That's an Asura.
Cool idea. We immediately run into a problem with applying them to Egharl, because Egharl doesn't have gods. That being said, Asuras in general are way too cool for me to just leave out. I'll talk about that problem more when I do a master-post on Fiends sometime. On to the Asura Ranas!

Andak the Disembered

This is exactly what you'd expect from a guy named "The Dismembered". He's a guy whose "limbs have been hewn into multiple pieces and reattached awkwardly and randomly". In a bit of a strange twist, they're associated with axes (implying dismemberment on a battlefield), torture, and self-mutilation. Makes sense, but it's a bit weird that his priests focus entirely on bloody self-augmentation, with no mention made of cutting off other people's limbs. I'd probably play him as a patron of corrupted self-improvement, kind of like The Meat from TMA. Determination to be strong, even if that means contorting your body into an unrecognizably hideous form. Overall: Pretty cool.

Bohga the Treasurer

Bohga! Second Rana in, and we may already have hit my favorite. Bohga is a creature of corrupted asceticism, who attained perfection after meditating over a horde of stolen goods for millennia. That premise alone stuck in my mind more than basically anything else in the Book. The image of an evil ascetic meditating over the horde of gold she's stolen but will never use? Instant classic. 

Chugarra the Guru of Butchers

We literally just had a guy named "The Dismembered" two entries ago. Chugarra is just an evil butcher. He butchers people. I will admit that the image of a massive, skinless butcher is fun, but overall? Pass. 

Chupurvagasti, Lady of Poison Mist

The name tells you everything you need to know. I don't understand what poison mist has to do with a deity's mistake. This is a portfolio that's been covered before. I'd prefer to use some sort of Prince Elemental Smog instead of this woman. Nothing here is uniquely Asura, and nothing here is overtly interesting enough for me to ignore that. Pass.

Gavidya the Numberless

The Book describes him as a "Cloaked figure who has no fewer than six faces at all time, each forming from folds on his scalp before gravitating towards the center of his head and competing to be eaten by his smiling mouth.", and that is a bloody amazing description. He's a patron of false prophets who delights in causing inter-religious strife, which is easy for me to adapt for use in Egharl. There's very little for me not to love about this guy.

Hydim of the Eternal Fast

An Asura Rana created by a god who accidentally condemned a nation to famine, I would immediately dismiss this guy if it wasn't for his name. Harbingers of Famine aren't hard to come by - Pathfinder alone features a bloody Horseman of it. That being said, the title is unique enough to set him apart from the crowd and make me think there's a place for him as a sort of Tantalus-like figure, constantly hunger but physically unable to break fast. Also, his obedience requires you to "Eat 13 pages from a sacred text", and anything that makes players eat paper is okay in my book. Pretty cool dude.

Ioramvol with the Mouth Full of Boulders

This poor guy. I don't even know how he became an Asura Rana - The Book just says he "Suffered countless deaths via falls, premature burial, and rockslides". I have no idea how being crushed by falling rocks a lot leads to achieving Enlightenment, but to each their own. This guy gets a pass in my book because of his name alone, without even having to take into account how cool a "tattoed colossus pierced with shards of rock" who spits boulders out of his mouth would be to use in an encounter. Also, he has the Undead and Murder subdomains, and that's honestly the premise for an adventure in and of itself. Competes with Bogha for my #1 spot.

Maeha, the Father of False Words

I'm torn on this guy. On one hand, he kind of treads of Gavidya's toes, being another Rana whose worshippers pretend to be priests of a different religion. On the other hand, his Areas of Concern include Propaganda and Isolation, which speaks to a totally different sort of Rana - A false shepherd of the lost, presenting a kind demeanor but working to lead vulnerable people even deeper into isolation. I like that angle. It's dark, and it'd be hard to pull off in a game, but I think it's a very solid concept. Reminds me of The Lonely from TMA. This guy is pretty cool.

Onamahli, the Twice Pure

I have no idea what to do with Onamahli. She's just got too much stuff going on. On one hand, she has an obvious connection to beauty and self-image, being created after a celestial being tore itself in half in an attempt to become beautiful. It's topic you'd have to be careful around, but one that could produce some really emotionally intense adventures. On another hand, she's said to be "Contemplating the paradox of competing divine truths". That seems a bit silly. Of course, different gods believe different things! I don't spend my day contemplating the paradox of multiple rats wanting the same piece of cheese. Then there's the fact that one of her areas of concern is "Double-Standards". That deserves a whole Rana to itself, not just a single line in an already overstuffed one. Finally, there's the whole thing about two minds, one body. That bit is just kind of weird, and if used poorly, it'll just end up vilifying plural people. I don't like her.

Rahu, the Sun Eater

Rahu is a giant, flying, disembodied snake head that is said to cause eclipses by eating the Sun and Moon. He also has a thing for executions, and both are seen as manifestations of gluttony for light and life. Quite frankly, you had me at "Giant, flying, disembodied snake head".

Rytara, Serpent of the Eastern Eye

Rytara is a four-headed snake with three eyes on each face, and she uses her third eye to see your worst fear so she can cause you to reliv- Wait a second, this is just a goddamn Sakhil! A Sakhil snuck into the Asura section! 0/10!

Taraksun, Awakener of Wrath

If Taraksun was just a being associated with wrath, I'd pass him off as generic and be done with it. That being said, Taraksun is associated with specifically the wrath of impotent people - Captives, slaves, people like this. It's an interesting situation. Liberation is a pretty consistently good thing, but that doesn't mean Taraksun is without a niche. I could see him as someone who tempts people into rage first for a beneficial cause, to set themselves free and strike back at the people who hurt them, but then continue to stoke the fires of that rage long after they're necessary. Or he could be an agent of the cycle of revenge, always making sure one member of the bloodline escapes in order to extend the vendetta down another generation. All in all? Pretty cool guy.

Zurapadyn, the Best Who Waits in Smoke

Zurapdyn is said to "Revel in any act of fiery purification performed for misguided reasons.", which more or less makes him the patron of witch burnings. That's great. That's a great niche I don't think anyone has tapped before, and also fire is cool. I'll need to use him sometime.

Midnight Madness

About a month ago, I started spitballing random ideas on Discord. It was around 12, but the ideas were all inexplicably good, so I'm throwing them all out here, with a bit more development than they had when I first made them.

None of the races have stats yet, and won't gets stats until someone wants to play one. I'm hoping to rework 5e's weird race system into something that has less horrible implications and more class variety. 

None of the non-races have stats either. They will probably all end up being bears.

SWINEFOLK

Swinefolks are humanoid constructs made out of the flesh of pigs. They vary in sapience between unusually stupid monkeys and fully sapient individuals. They are a playable race. In the New World, aka the As-Of-Yet-Unnamed-Eastern-Continent, they've formed full settlements. Making one of these would might be a good College Thesis for Flesh Wizard College. Flesh Wizard College doesn't exist, but that's the comparison I'm going to make.

TROGLODYES

Maybe playable? I don't know. I love them and this specific variety of troglodyte are some of the very first canon inhabitants of my underworld. 

Underworld meaning caves, not the afterlife. I would probably have a second heart attack if I learned that these things were angels.

BRACKEN

Humanoid patches of ivy which spontaneously manifest around civilization. Often quite urban. If Egharl was a different sort of world, I'd say that they're born in the place where civilization and the natural world meet, but those are metaphysical ideas, and we don't do metaphysics here.

They can probably be any plant, ivy just came to mind first.

WARFORGED

I struggled to fit Warforged into the world for a while, but they've finally got a place! 

Warforged are born when a blacksmith dies with their work unfinished. They spontaneously assemble themselves from strewn about materials, and begin their lives. 

They aren't a reincarnation of the blacksmith, they're independent beings in their own right.

I also guess they don't have anything to do with war now, so they should probably just be called "Forged".

Those are the fancy ones. The rest will be unadulterated, direct-from-source madness.

TEETH MONSTERS

They have no teeth, but they eat teeth. Just fucking swallow them down whole. Either they break the teeth down for the magical energy contained within, or they use the teeth as bladder stones. I don't fucking know which.

WEIRD WAYS PEOPLE ARE BORN

Shifters are just children born under a full moon.

Bullywugs are Grung come into existence when a tribe of existing Bullywug or Grung gather up a bunch of frogs into a pit and then educate them. 

Sometimes, turtles lay one really big egg instead of a clutch. These really big eggs hatch into Tortles.

THESE ONES GO TOGETHER

A strange mutation found in the heart of cities - Children are born with gleaming silver eyes, and silver ichor in place of blood - They are the Yine.

Those who are badly burnt while pregnant may give birth to the hot-blooded Adrunt, whose skin is black as soot.

They say that if you stay too long in the mines, your children will have stone-grey skin and dine on rocks - These people are known as the Baniver.

In the wilderness, children born under the full moon sometimes show unusual, animalistic traits. In academic circles, they are called Biinae. Most people know them by their colloquial title: Shifters.

OTHER ASSORTED BULLSHIT

Worm People, who live underground. They're somewhat agoraphobic.

The Pale Ones, a race of cyclopean beings who live underground.

When you carve a Treant into little pieces, you can make people out of it. These people are sapient, and they're called Treelings.

All Dragonborn are born colorless, and dye themselves in a show of loyalty, and to display clan affiliation.

One of the primary elemental heresies is the idea that Gold is the Fifth Element.

NEWT MEN. MEN WHO ARE NEWTS. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM BUT HERE THEY ARE.

The Before-Things

 Before we begin, it is important to note that the Before-Things do not exist. They aren't imaginary, because something imagined is something that can be conceived of, can be described to others, can even be given a physical form, if you're a decent artist. Before-Things aren't like that. They are real, in the sense that they can physically alter the world around them, but regardless of that fact, they do not exist.

Maybe it'll make more sense if I explain exactly what Before-Things are.

Before-Things are the remnants of everything that has ever been retroactively removed from reality. Obviously, no one knows what the things which have been removed are, because if anyone knew what had been removed, than it clearly hasn't been properly removed. More than likely, even the beings which caused the removal aren't even aware that they did it. All that they'd remember is performing a ritual in order to destroy something that already does not, never has, and cannot possibly ever exist. This is, for obvious reasons, impossible. 

So, then, what are Before-Things? If a concept really is so utterly erased, how is it possible that remnants are left behind?

It's probably best if I explain with an example. Imagine for a moment that the color orange is retroactively annihilated. This doesn't mean that everything orange disappears, or that people start seeing different colors where orange once was, or that everyone stops considering orange to be a color distinct from red, it's just that orange, as a physical thing and as an idea, just stops. It stops ever having existed in the first place.  It stops having ever not existed, because the non-existence of something necessarily implies that opposite is possible as well. Orange stops being  conceivable. Not individuals, not by a cultural zeitgeist, not by the zapping of neurons, not even in the inexpressible way by which reality perceives itself. It is just fucking gone.

In this situation, what happens to foxes?
Foxes are orange, but they aren't only orange.  There is more to fox-dom than just the fact that they are orange. Foxes have other colors on them. They have claws, and fur, and eyes, and many things within them that are not the color orange.  

To be clear, when I say that foxes have things that aren't orange, I don't mean that they have things that aren't colored orange. They do, but that's beside the point. When I say that foxes have things that aren't orange, I mean they have things that aren't orange in the same way that a flag, even a flag that is entirely colored orange, is still a flag, and not a color. Back to foxes.

As I was saying, orange may be gone, but there's still plenty of fox left over. The problem is that foxes don't just changes colors, once orange disappears. Foxes do not suddenly become blue. Instead, the color of a fox is now something that doesn't exist, and that causes... Problems. 

This, in essence, is what the Before-Things are. They're objects with traits that no longer exist. They're stuck in a paradoxical state of simultaneous existence and non-existence, and non-existence is winning. Reality doesn't recognize them anymore, and so they're being erased. That's where it ends, for most of them. They quietly wink out of ever-having-been. Some of them, though, figure out the only way they can extend their lifespan - Being recognized. 

Sure, they can't get the universe to remember them, but they can get people to, and that's the next-best thing. How do they accomplish this? Doesn't matter! Most often, it's almost murdering someone. There are few times you're more focused on perceiving something than when you're fighting for your life, and trauma flashbacks will provide some sustenance for years to come.

It doesn't matter, though. They're fighting a losing battle. The question isn't whether or not they'll cease to exist, it's how long until they do. 

How do you use any of this shit?

Fuck if I know.

The Atlanteans

Depending on how things go, this may be the first post I'll be writing about an entirely new setting. There's also a chance I'll cannibalize it and reuse ideas on Egharl. Maybe it'll grow in the telling and end up becoming its own goddamn setting. Maybe I'll get bored and never write about this again. There is literally no way for anyone to predict what is about to happen. Fuck you, I'm horrid at this.

The Ocean is not a happy place. To be fair, most places in the world are not happy. The Oceans aren't an exception.

The Atlanteans, as they will be called until I get a better name for them than "Atlanteans", are one of the causes of this unhappiness. Scholars broadly divide them into four groups, who I will now vaguely gesture my way through. Hopefully, it'll make more sense once I'm out of the introduction.

They aren't humans. They're humanoid, but they look more like the Sahaugin than anything else I can easily describe.

The first group are generally known as "People of Basalt". They take their name from their place of origin, unsurprisingly known as the "Basalt City", which itself is built around, you fucking guessed it, the "Basalt Crystal".

Poor naming scheme aside, it isn't inaccurate. To those with enough time to pursue magic, the Basalt Crystal is everything. To everyone else, the city that depends on those people is. Magical power is derived from the Basalt Crystal, mystical visions are divined from the Basalt Crystal, and perhaps most importantly, the Basalt Crystal allows for a sort of mass production that would otherwise be impossible underwater. There are real, working forges in the Basalt City - Hell, they work better than most forges on the surface do. They can't really be used to make metal weapons, but they can be combined with an obscure magical process to create, you guessed it, basalt weapons.

For whatever reason, this power has not been used to create an empire. Instead, the Basalt City was created, and then expanded, and eventually it became a hellish network of identical tubes for anyone who isn't a native. In general, the People of the Basalt are remarkably isolationist. Still engaged in an eternal war with the rest of the world, but who isn't?

The "People of  Waves" are the most widespread of the bunch. I struggle to describe specifics because I don't have any especially distinctive traits to build around, so I'll talk about hierarchy for a minute.

Atlanteans never stop growing. By the time they're considered adults, they're slightly shorter than the average man. Hundred years after that, and they're about the size of an ogre. Should they manage to survive to somewhere around their 250s, they'll rival most giants for size. They're also organized into a very strict age-based hierarchy. In effect, the bigger you are, the higher up on the ladder you are.

That being said, very few make it to their 250s. As a Person of the Waves, your life is going to go one of four ways. Either you show the aptitude to become either a mage or a priest, and are probably killed in line of duty and/or murdered by rivals, you become skilled enough at your chosen trade that you're allowed to hang around as a teacher, or you don't manage to do any of that and you're shipped off to war once you hit middle-age. Besides the very real need for troops to fuel an unending, omni-directional war in the sea, this also helps make sure that no one gets powerful enough to threaten the order of things. This system exists to some degree in every group of Atlanteans, but it's most obvious and most strict among the People of the Waves.

Above the seas, they do a brisk trade in coal, mostly with the Vampire Barons, in exchange for the mass-produced products that coal makes possible. It's a mutually beneficial agreement, all things considered.

The Vampire Barons will definitely get their own post, later down the line. They're the thing that inspired this whole as-yet-unnamed setting.

Next up, "People of Ice". It's speculated that they were originally a group of one of the other types, who were forced into Arctic regions by the Pelagics, another group of fish-people who may eventually get their own post. Whatever the case, they've managed to endure the cold weather and, through whatever means, stumbled upon the rare art of Ice-Crafting. Occasionally, they send trading expeditions South. These expeditions are huge, sailing on broken-off chunks of glacier, maintained by hundreds of Atlanteans and at least two mages - One to steer the ship and one to keep it frozen. They aren't afraid of the ship sinking, but they're pretty damn easy to board. These voyages are incredibly hectic.

They're also necromancers. Not the kind where you go through elaborate rituals to reanimate a corpse under some external power, because that kind of extremely expensive and generally inefficient. The kind where you make a corpse really easy for a spirit to inhabit, set up a few wards, and then pray to whatever deities you hold that it does what you want it to and doesn't go fucking berserk. 

Finally, we have the "People of Coral". They live in coral. They make their tools out of coral. Generally, they're thought to be a bunch of disconnected and uncivilized tribes who mostly occupy themselves with raiding passers-by, both under and above the water.

Rumors of a singular Ur-Coral which links every reef in the world are, as of yet, unsubstantiated.

OCEANS

 OCEANS.

THEY'RE FUCKING STUPID. I'M GOING TO FIGHT THE WAVES.

The Major Powers, Summarized

So, I can't actually give you a summary.

Egharl isn't a finished world. By this point, that much should be clear. It's also an unfinished world in a lot of obvious ways. 

I cannot accurately outline for you the governmental structures of most civilizations. What I can do is give you a few details, a general vibe, and talk about where I'm drawing my inspiration from.

So, for the benefit of my players, untoth we go.

The Church of Harithke

Full honesty: Virtually everything to do with the Church has been stolen from Goblin Punch, because they're a far better writer than I am, and their ideas are great, and so I stole them all. In the future, I'm going to do the best to make the Church of Harithke more distinct from the Church of Heseya, but at the moment there's hardly anything.

The biggest change I've made is the Church's prominence, and this itself was just inspired by a different one of Arnold K's posts. Centerra's Church is a monolith. It has the power to make the literal Winds behave. But in the words of the man himself, "What does an evil empire look like before it's ripe?"

That's not to say the Church is evil. I try my best to keep the idea of "Evil" away from my worldbuilding. In the real world, morality tends to be pretty clear-cut. Landlords are bad. Charity is good. Imperialism is bad. Multi-culturalism is good. This can certainly make for good stories, but it also doesn't make for interesting choices. 

Also, I don't want to talk about politics. I know full well that any political conversation I'm involved in ends horribly, because even other leftists struggle to tolerate my views. If I start worrying about morality, my DMing will turn into an pacifistic screed, and that'll be really fucking dull for everyone involved. 

This is a whole tangent, and I know that I'm writing it largely because I know my players read this blog, but to summarize:
Please keep modern politics out of my game, at the very least for my sake as a DM. I can't run that shit. I can't distance myself from my sense of morality just enough so that I can run a fantasy early-Renaissance game where a group of seven people can establish a leftist society by beating Feudalism to death with a large stick. Give your characters political viewpoints. Give them radical political viewpoints. Have them rebel. Just please, don't give them your political viewpoints.

This is what happens when a post is fueled by ADHD medication and hypomania. I'm going to try and get back on track.

The Church of Harithke, but For Real.

They aren't a nation, they're a religion. Coramont is a city-state, comparable to the Vatican. The Patriarch of the Church is also the Lord of Coramont. The city has a standing army, albeit a small one. The Church doesn't technically have a standing army, but they do employ a whole lot of paladins, and when you assemble a few legions of paladins together, they start to look a hell of a lot like an army.

In theory, the Church can call those loyal to it to war, and they will respond. In practice, it's a bit of a tossup. Not everyone is eager to go marching off to war, especially the ones further away from Coramont. 

The Patriarch is in charge of worldly concerns. He can call holy wars, issue bans on commerce, excommunicate people who fuck around. The Archpriest of Coramont is his successor, appointed by the Patriarch and charged with the spiritual needs of the city, until such a time in which he ascends to become the new Patriarch.

The Prophetess is kept isolated from the world, so that she might not be stained by corruption. She is expected to know the answer to every theological question by heart, and spend her time thinking up more of them. Really, she lives more like a hermit than any religious authority.

The City of Coramont itself is a city on a lake. It is said to be impenetrable, but in practice, no one has actually put it to the test for three hundred-odd years.

The Bronze Cliffs

Their homeland is a group of islands, off the West coast. Home to Dwarves, Tabaxi, Bullywugs, and Grung. Run by a pair of Twin Kings - One to govern the Isles, one to govern everything outside. They need to agree on foreign policy. Almost everyone is part of a Clan, and most local governments are set up by individual Clans. If you break the rules in another Clan's territory, they'll beat you up and cart you off back home, where you'll either be congratulated on a good fight, shamed for your disorderly conduct, or belittled for getting caught. Laws are lax, but punishments are harsh. 

Have a general pantheon, but the specifics differ from place to place, especially in colonies. The only thing everyone can agree upon is Mora-Adin, Twin Gods of Home and Horizon. The Twin Kings are made in their image.

Despite the name, the Twin Kings have no gender requirement. The only thing required is that they contrast - One male and one female, or one Dwarf and one Tabaxi, or one beareded and one bald. 

Much of their leadership is genuinely good-meaning, but the nation as a whole is hopelessly caught up colonial fever. Ports that owe their loyalty to the Bronze Cliffs are everywhere, and they've even got a few proper colonies.

Politically, they've no relation to the Dueregar of the Near-Deadlands. The similarity between Dwarf and Dueregar seems to be mere coincidence.

The Empire of Iudra

The Empire is divided up into provinces, each of which is given relative autonomy. An old kingdom, though no one is quite sure exactly how old. Their history is muddled by more than a few collapses, revolutions, and resuscitations. This isn't the most powerful they've ever been, but at the moment, it seems stable. 

Provinces of note include Chalea, generally considered to be the birthplace of modern Rangers, which produces some of the best hunters in the world, and Sine, a pioneer in technology and the arts. 

In Iudra, the bureaucracy and the military are the same thing. Rank-and-file soldiers are also trained as clerks, while generals pull double duty as politicians and legislators. In times of conflict, politicians are expected to prove themselves in open warfare. In times of peace, this means that everyone gets really into board games. 

If you don't like a politician, you can pretend to assassinate them. Faux-assassinations are common, most often preformed with wooden knives, or occasionally pointless arrows. Getting assasinated is shameful - If that's the kind of care you take for your own security, how can you be trusted with the security of an empire? To be fair, it's less shameful the cleverer the assassination is. To be fair again, the cleverer the assassination, the better your opponents, which can make people hesitant to align with you. It's a whole thing.

Those outside the city of Iudra are often confused by the needless complexity of their political system, while the inhabitants of the city pride themselves on it. The oldest Iudran provinces have learned to quietly sigh, shake their heads, and carry on with whatever they were doing before the capital's latest scheme came to fruition.

The Dominion of Nehtar

Ostensibly, Nehtar is a monarchy. In practice, the kings of Nehtar serve almost entirely as religious leaders. 

They are ruled by a Council of Eight, staffed by representatives of various organizations. 

I'm skipping over them for now, because it's late, I want to get this post out by tonight, and I'm trying to get a decent sleep schedule. 

Maybe I'll update it tomorrow. Maybe I'll give Nehtar its own fucking post. 

Dunno.

The Map is Back

 Oh God, it's so hideous and blank.

Variations of Vampires

 What is a vampire?

It's a topic of academic controversy. Sure, everyone can agree that the pasty fellow who can't come out in sunlight and needs to drink blood is a vampire, but what is it in those traits that makes them a vampire?

Sabre-toothed cats have fangs, but they aren't vampires. Lampreys feed primarily on blood, but they aren't vampires. Spectres lose their power in sunlight, and they even have a life-draining attack, but they aren't vampires.
(Unless they are)

Like most things, it's a matter of academic debate. The Church holds that vampire is any being which both drains the blood of victims, and is harmed by sunlight. Other variations may still be demons, but not specifically vampires. To the primarily cave-dwelling Dueregar, sensitivity to sunlight loses most of its meaning, and most people will agree that something is a vampire as long as its some sort of undead that feeds on blood. To the people of Illearth, drinking blood is an extreme blasphemy, and they don't really care what you are, because most things die just fine when you burn them at the stake. 

The academics will probably never stop fighting about this. That's just the way they are. Good for them, but not for the rest of us. Most of us have a vague idea of what a vampire is, and nailing down the exact specifics isn't high on our priority list. So, here's a bunch of vampires or vampire-like monsters for you to argue over the status of, you academic bastards.

Carnivorous Water:

You remember this from my last article? The one I published literally last night?
I think this was the strongest idea on it, and now I'm developing it more.

"Carnivorous Water" is just the common name, but its a fairly accurate one. The substance inside isn't technically water, but it acts like water, and they are carnivorous.

Carnivorous Water is an sort of psuedo-ooze, because unlike true oozes, it is not acidic, nor is it a single-celled organism. Instead, Carnivorous Water corresponds closer to an undead, in that it is normally non-living material that is held together and animated by magic. When you smack Carnivorous Water with a hammer, it responds like a really strong water balloon. It'll ripple and move, even bend inwards, but you won't break the surface. This is the magic which holds it together. Once that magical energy runs out, it loses all cohesion, and with that cohesion, its life. 

This ability is selective. The barrier naturally strengthens in response to being struck, exerting just enough energy to stop the strike from breaching the surface, but it can also be selectively weakened in order to absorb objects. What is it absorbing?Well, that's where the carnivorous part comes in. Carnivorous Water isn't a summoned creature, so it can't rely on a constant flow of energy from its creator to keep it alive. As it turns out, blood holds quite a bit of energy, and in comparison to magical artifacts, blood is abundant. But how does it get the blood? It could scavenge, but that's inefficient and overly luck based. Instead, Carnivorous Water absorbs sharp objects. Any sharp object will do. Pointed rocks, rusty nails, discarded teeth, an entire fucking sword, as long as it can draw blood, it's useful. It hunts by ambush, hiding sitting somewhere inconspicuous until some prey comes along, then bursting out and attempting to engulf the prey. If this succeeds, the Water will then swirl around its insides and let all the debris it's managed to collect carve up the unfortunate victim. Once the Water is satisfied with its meal, it just slithers off to convert the collected blood into energy. This is when they're at their most vulnerable - Hunting takes energy, and the splashes of red destroy any sort of natural camouflage the Water might enjoy.
The Water is an animal, and isn't averse to fleeing if it feels like sticking around isn't worth the risk, there's an easier source of food nearby, or even if it just feels full. If you're carrying around a bucket of blood, simply splash any Water that seems to threaten you, and the beast will just sit still and digest its meal. No need for a difficult hunt when food is being quite literally thrown at it.
Elephants often keep Carnivorous Waters, either as pets or to use them as war-beasts against humanoids. You can stab an elephant with a knife, and your knife will just embed harmlessly into the skin. Rusty nails hardly pose any sort of threat to them.

If you use these, please come up with a better name for them than "Carnivorous Water", and then please tell me that name, because "Carnivorous Water" is a terrible name. I will 100% edit the article to include that name.

Amentique Vampires:

Ay, things that everyone can recognize as vampires!
For the most part, Amentique Vampires fit the basic concept of a vampire. They're pale, ethereal creatures that feed on blood and have weird powers. They can't turn into wolves or bats or anything of that sort, but they can transform into mist, and they're the sort of vampire you might expect to see sailing upon a moonbeam.
Unlike the traditional vampire, they tend to be a bit off in the head. Amentique Vampires are often seen hanging around fey, and it has been speculated that the bloodline was originated by some fey meddling. They're nomadic, travelling just as often in small groups as they do alone. Many prefer to interact with people before feeding on them. To an Amentique Vampire, feeding shouldn't be a calculated act of predation, but instead the culmination of a wondrous night of dance and revelry. Comics, poets, musicians, dancers, casanovas - Whatever and Amentique does, they'll do it so well that you'll barely care when they bite you. 
You shouldn't mistake revelry for genuine affection, but neither should you always assume that genuine affection does not exist. In Afary, a common folk tale is that of a abused girl, visited by an Amentique. So moved is the Amentique by both her tragic tale and grace in revelry that he rescues her away her family, and takes her as his bride. On the other side of the world, in Chalea, another tale speaks of a young man, scorned by his community for perceived femininity. After being visited by an Amentique of noble standing, the young man awakens to find a sword forged of moonlight left behind as a parting gift. This story is often used in Chalea to explain why homophobia is stupid and wrong, because Chalea is the gay capital of the world. Heterosexuality is seen as distasteful, and childbearing is seen as an ugly yet necessary practice. Chalea has a fair few stories like this, but this one, often called "The Amentique Stranger", is one of the most popular. As a consequence, the people of Chalea have very positive feelings about the Amentique.

Aesthetically speaking, the Amentique aren't really Gothic. They love moonlight, and their clothing is often primarily white. If you want an example of someone who is aesthetically Amentique, check out David Bowie during the Thin White Duke era. Hell, the Thin White Duke as a whole might make a good basis for an evil Amentique, and it gives you an excuse to look at David Bowie, a thing which I will never turn down.
The Amentique are some of the best moon-smiths in the world. If you want someone to weave you a cloak out of moonlight, the Amentique would be top candidates. The only issues are finding the Amentique, and then finding something that they'd actually accept as payment.
In some parts of the world, people will say that someone feeling especially sluggish and tired was "Danced with an Amentique", the same way we might say someone "Got up on the wrong side of the bed." Like, "Ay, don't worry about Doracas, e' was just visited by an Amentique. I'm sure e'll be better in no time."

Auctor Vampires:

Auctor Vampires are weird. They're one of the types that is nigh-universally recognized as vampires, but compared to most other variations, they're really quite weak. Generally thought to have originated an experimental attempt to achieve immortality, they are, in that regard, mostly a success. Their lifespans are most likely indefinite, and at the very least immensely extended. They are capable of entering a torpor state to remain inactive for large periods of time, but this is risky, as they can't wake up at will, and the exact length of a torpor is imprecise. The margin of error is around 5% more or less time than they originally intended to sleep for.
As for powers... They don't really have much. Any humanoid victim drained entirely as blood reanimates as a zombie in perpetuity, but the zombies are stupid, clumsy, and often make it much more difficult to hide in populated areas. On the bright side, they don't have many weaknesses, either. Sunlight is irritating, but not crippling. A stake through the heart or beheading will still kill them, but for the same reason those things can kill any humanoid. They have no exceptional defenses, methods of healing, powers of transformation, nothing. For many Auctor, vampirism can feel more like a crippling food allergy.
They can't even reproduce normally. The only Auctor capable of turning others are the "Progenitor" Auctor, of which very few exist. The only way to become a Progenitor is to kill an existing one and consume their blood.
This puts the Auctor in a very tricky situation. The number of Progenitors can never increase, but it is quite capable of decreasing. Every time a Progenitor is killed and no other Auctor manages to feed on their blood, there's simply one less Progenitor in the world. Unless someone discovers how to create new Progenitors from scratch, which seems very unlikely, the Auctor are a doomed race, simply counting down the time they have left before extinction.
DM Note: These are vampires as a PC race, largely based on the vampire race 5e gave us in "Plane Shift: Zendikar". I did my best to make them less setting-dependent and a bit more interesting, but at the core, this is the stat sheet you hand to a player that wants to play a vampire from 1st level.

Final Note:

Christ, I had a lot more to say than I expected. I'm far from out of ideas, but this post is already long enough. Just be aware that this is probably going to be a series, because vampires are interesting creatures to fuck around with.

I hope you're happy, Zoë.

I got high and ate a kitten

 fUCK you, I WILL EAT ANOTHER.

I'M NOT IMITATING SCRAP PRINCESS, THIS IS SIMPLY HOW I CREATE.

Also I need to make myself look morally righteous again so HERE ARE FIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF HORRIBLE, KITTEN-EATING MONSTERS

Werewolf-wolf:

It's like a werewolf, but instead of being a guy, it's a wolf. On nights of the full moon it turns into a bigger, scarier wolf, and then kills a bunch of shit. The local town goes into panic because "Oh God there's a werewolf, he could be anyone" but it's just a regular wolf who gets really buff sometimes.

Hole:

It's a fucking hole, but it moves. You trip and fall in a hole and it eats your fucking leg. You're walking along and then a hole is moving towards you and you're really confused for a second and then BAM IT EATS YOUR FUCKING LEG.

You can't stab it, because it doesn't have a body, it's made up of negative space. You beat it by filling it up, probably with rocks.

Carnivorous Swan:

Literally exactly what it sounds like. It's a swan, but it's carnivorous. Technically, swans are already carnivorous sometimes, but this one wants to eat you in particular. Genuinely fucking terrifying, if you've ever been attacked by a swan. Those fuckers will slap you with their neck, and your arm will break before their neck will.

Carnivorous Water:

Water that eats you. It does this with teeth. It is water filled with teeth, and it wants to eat you, especially if you are a kitten.

Kitten-beast:

It looks like a kitten, from a distance. For all intents and purposes, you'd never know it's not a kitten, until it opens its mouth.

It's not a kitten, but when its mouth is closed, it looks basically kitten-like. Really, its mouth is at the end of a very long tentacle, and the full body lives beneath the ground. If you try to pet it, it will open in half and then fucking eat it.

Like a Wolf-In-Sheeps-Clothing, but bigger, and also a kitten.

Imma Fucking Stupid

School is hard, and also I have severe ADHD.

These two things in combination will serve as my excuse for every future vanishing act I pull.

Also, this is my blog, and I write it because I want to. I do not owe it anything, and I am perfectly within my rights to stop whenever I want. It just happens that I didn't actually want to stop in my most recent disappearance, I was just eaten up by schoolwork.

AN EXTENSION

 MY PRIEVIOUS POST, AND BY EXTENSION, EVERY INSULT CONTAINED THERIN AND THEROUT, ARE FURTHERMORE TO BE DIRECTED AT LE DUM DUM'S PALACE.

COME ON, YOU LACKADASICAL TWIDDLE-TWADDLER! HAVE AT YE! RETURN MY SERVE!

A MOST SERIOUS AND GRIM CHALLENGE

 UPON THE HONOR OF ALL NINETY-TWO OF MY ONE-EARED ANCESTORS, I NOW CHALLENGE THE OWNER OF ALL THESE TEDIOUS THINGS, BE HE NOT A CRAVEN AND WORTHLESS FOOL, TO THE MOST HOLY AND PRECIOUS OF GAMES, TO A GREAT AND ALMIGHTY WAR OF IMAGE PING PONG.

THOU KNOWEST THE RULES WELESTHTST ENOUGH ALREADY, AND SO I GIVE THOUST MINE SERVE!

WHAT, GOOD SER, HEREBY THISETH DEPICTION SHALL BE CREATED OF?

Vytrius, who is Beautiful and Mad

Vytrius

Vytrius is a town, and it is also a person. 

The town is composed of four parts, and I am going to talk about all of them sequentially, and then the person.

The City

Vytrius is an old city, and a prosperous one. It is one of the most stable places in the world, and its borders have remained almost unchanged for the past few hundred years. This is due almost entirely to its patron, who is powerful enough to scare off most incursions, but has no particular interest in expansion. The combination of posing no particular threat to anyone and everyone knowing exactly who lives there is quite effective.

The fourth circle of Vytrius is unassuming. It isn't technically part of the city proper and sits outside its walls, but most say it belongs there. You'll primarily find caravans, mercenaries, and most anyone else you'd see in a trading square. You might wonder why it sits outside the walls, but the answer quickly becomes obvious.

The third circle of Vytrius is where the actual city begins. 

Nothing ugly is allowed within the walls. No ugly people are permitted entrance. No items deemed ugly, no matter how valuable, are allowed into the city. 
Any contraband is taken, destroyed, and its owner is fined. Anyone found in the city who are not up to its standards are imprisoned and executed.

The guard are professionals, specially trained to judge books by their covers, and are often called upon to serve as judges during competitions, pageants, or petty disputes.

Besides that, the city itself is quite wonderful. The people are made friendly and generous by their comfortable lives, and the guard is largely ceremonial. More attention is paid to their appearance than actual combat readiness.

Nothing dull is allowed into the second circle of Vytrius.

Where the third circle is lively and warm, the second circle is often eerily quiet. It's simply more convenient to live outside the second circle, without having to worry about losing anything deemed "dull". Most of those who do live here spend most of the time in the third circle, and only reside where they do because the prices are cheaper.

Of the communities which exist entirely within the second circle, most of them have a frustratingly high opinion of themselves. They're stereotypical gated communities, except they aren't nearly as rich or beautiful as they'd like to think.

The first circle of Vytrius is not technically a circle. Instead, it is the original citadel that the rest of the city is built around.

Nothing that is not beautiful is allowed within the first circle.

The Person

To talk more about the first circle, I need to talk about who sits at its center - Vytrius.

Vytrius is a Swarmborne, at least one thousand years of age. Unlike most Swarmborne, who inhabit the bodies of convenient and numerous vermin, Vytrius has become a cloud of butterflies.

Most commonly, they appear as a swarm of butterflies in the vague outline of a man. They communicate almost entirely by telepathy, which is probably for the better - Those few that have heard their voice have described the combination of countless tiny sounds as terrifying, at best.

It is Vytrius who constructed the original citadel, Vytrius who decreed that nothing ugly was to approach them, and Vytrius who will emerge to defend the city when it is threatened.

Vytrius is also the reason for the city's legendary bureaucracy. The bureaucracy of the first circle, where many citizens earn their livelihood, has a double purpose - It keeps other people away from Vytrius, and it keeps Vytrius away from other people.

The first purpose is simple. Vytrius is quite reclusive, and really does not like disturbances to... Whatever it is they are doing in their tower.  The second purpose is a bit more obscure, but it goes like this: 
Almost everyone considers Vytrius quite mad, and a thousand year old madman with the magical power they possess isn't something anyone wants around very much. To this end, the bureaucracy was constructed so that any action Vytrius might take, they have to first wade through the miles of red tape that anyone else would endure if they wanted an audience. 
Vytrius does this voluntarily. While they are not technically ruler of the city, no one is under the illusion that they couldn't enforce their will, if they wished it. Vytrius simply obeys these rules because he thinks them to be beautiful.

And so the bureaucracy of Vytrius is an eternal balancing act. They must be keep the lord pleased with them, while simultaneously limiting his mobility. They must make sure nothing in the city rouses the lord to anger, while maintaining the almost-normalcy they've managed to create. It is not an enviable task.

Besides the bureaucracy, the first circle is a very strange place. There are rooms entirely filled with living butterflies, rooms whose walls are covered with dead butterflies, each in pristine condition, as part of Vytrius's ongoing quest to collect one of each type of butterfly that exists. There are rooms filled with illusions of butterflies, rooms filled with paintings of butterflies, the occasional butterfly-like monstrosity traversing the hallways, and that's on top of all the guards and traps Vytrius has set up to preserve his privacy and protect his collection. Really, you should always stick to the rooms the bureaucracy has cataloged.

Might make for a cool dungeon, though. Maybe even a mega-dungeon.

The Outside

At this moment, the peace of Vytrius is the most fragile it has been in years. 

Northwards, the Church of Ilysy's recent expansion shows no signs of stopping, and it seems the next place to go would be southwards, bringing them dangerously close to the city.

The city may not have been conquered before, but it is far from invincible. It's just that most would-be invaders reason that the risk of "Angry Ancient Mage of Unknown Power" isn't worth the reward of "One Pretty Nice City". 

Will the Church break this record? It is unlike them to tolerate a magic user this powerful in their territory, but the reward such an invasion would pose seems... Underwhelming.

From the hills, rumors spread that druids have begun to gather, plotting gods know what - Quite possibly invasion. 

That being said, the motivation that drives large groups of druids to actions is arcane. No one is ever quite certain why they do what they do, and if they are plotting to overthrow the city, then why now, and not hundreds of years ago?

The answers, as always, are frustratingly obscure.